Being Present
Heading towards my 60th year, I think I am finally beginning to understand what it feels like to be in the flow
After what has been a lifetime of ‘working towards’ exams jobs promotions mortgages holidays peace…propelled by fear of all the possible future scenarios featuring destitution aging government overreach dark forces running out of time housework…
I think now I get it
All these things had an imaginary endpoint in my mind – ‘working towards’ or working towards avoiding – even the mindful activities I enjoy were unconsciously framed by an endpoint – breathwork in order to achieve calm; meditation to become aware of thoughts in order to not think of them!
Much of my anxiety has been fuelled by setting myself and endpoint to get things done . I left the work system to release myself from the straightjacket of other peoples’ goals and deadlines but then found myself managing my self employed ‘freedom’ in the same way just bossing myself about .
It’s about trust. Being brave enough to just let go. As a child gymnast I love the bar the beam the floorwork and until recently cartwheels on the sand – but could never quite trust the backward bend flip over – forward was fine but backward- I would get so far and pull back up ( amazing core strength I wonder if there’s still muscle memory there somewhere..) I preferred running races high jump athletics where I aimed, could see the end point, and delivered.
Recent events in family life have forced a dropping away of rigid normality But I realise now that I don’t need an excuse to sit in the garden and watch the bees . I will do the work required of me but in my own time.
In the meantime while the sun shines I will enjoy and take comfort from, the renaissance revival of all the insects buzzing and fluttering around me while I lie under the tree in the dappled sunlight with the cat. Who clearly knows exactly how to live.
